That type of fear..
It's unlike any other fear I faced over last nearly 42 years.. It's not like the one of going to cage or ring or the one prior competition. It's a bloody prolonged, stinging, drilling a hole at the bottom back of your skull fear.
A fear that makes you feel weak and vulnerable which then makes you assume the worst. No shield 🛡, no guard - just shot me here and now..
Every irregural heart beat, every not so deep inbreath, every little dizziness, every ache - you'd just expect the worst possible outcome - going back to fight in that room full of monitor's noise and bleeps, lines pumping chemicals into your veins, needles.. pain..
So you just laying there or sitting, sinking in your own anxious thoughts, hating every second of it ( the feeling of being on the empty tank of energy to fight), hating yourself for what is happening, making your pain and symptoms even worse.. But then nothing happens. It's just your illness that won't go away just like that, illness you got to get used to as it will be here for some time with ups and downs before things get better..
You relax slightly but then the feeling of self hate comes again. You used to be strong, you used to be able to cope with shit much better, you used to kick that anxiety arse everytime..
Time under stress
Asking yourself more often now 'How's this possible? 'what have had happened.. Well, time under stress, strenuous bloody pain, pressure of thoughts. All longer than 3 rounds in the ring or 6h race. It's day,weeks, months now really.. Its taking it's toll on you, slowly biting in deeper and deeper..
Those thoughts at the back of your head, those you don't even realise are there
- kids, family, friends
- work, income, passion
- holidays, sun, relax
- activity, fitness, escape
- people I'm unable to help right now. Those are there and they will be there no matter who says and what.
It's annoying. You just missing On so many things.
You start to believe you're really bad person, that all this happened to you because you're a bad person. But you're not. You know you're not. You're not perfect and you do mistakes. Sometimes regret decisions made too quick, under pressure or coz you're knackered or act based on those rushed decisions but still, you're not bad enough to deserve that big of a suffer and punishment..
The struggle is real
You get good days too ( or hours rather). A good time is when you can, for example, write bits of this blog here and there without too big of a headache. When you can look into phone for longer than 3 minutes to reply to few lovely, supportive texts without getting migraine. When you can walk to toilet and back without getting dizzy or when you can talk to kids for few minutes without getting breathless. Yes, there are good days. There are good nights too - those when you don't wake up at 3am with anxiety attack or those when managing them makes you feel good. Those nights when you find yourself a comfy spot so you don't feel palpitations of your heart to much which let you fall asleep for a bit ( nights are scary, long and lonely) These are good things yet subconsciously you don't cherish them as you, I'd assume, don't wanna jinx it. You know bad day, night, time is coming ( they are) and you don't want them to come too early..
Weather the storm
So you just surviving. You killing the time, wasting life. Coz that's what it is innit? And once again, asking yourself 'what for? What have you done bad enough to deserve all this? What possibly one could have done to deserve it? Ain't it too much? You're not a psychopath, mad, bad person..
You stay patient
But you stay patient.. Its the only way I guess. Start looking for some positives - just as you always used to. Those who know you, know you've had an ability to drag out pieces of positivity out of every situation. And you just remembered it. And yiu begin to look on the bright sides, pick something good from all bad and hold onto it until next pick.. Step at the time..
I Look at kids, literally every day I just can't wait for them to get back from school so we can chat a bit. Love when they come and sit on the edge of my bed, right next to both dogs, which by the way wouldn't leave me for a minute, and we just catching up. I smile inside.
I read comments or texts when can and can't believe all the support I receive. Amazing how little message can uplift your mood. You know its not just words, letters.. Its the time they give you..
Even going toilets - knowing all organs working fine - cheers me up. A good blood pressure read, a decent blood test result, a good chat at the doctors appointment, scan showing there's no reversal.. All these are little cheer ups..
I still believe everything happens for a reason. I'm gonna take my time, whenever I can stay focused and think clear and I'll think of the ways of how I can improve, how I can possibly become a better man. Spend more time with kids, listen even more closely to what people says, help them with they struggle by my job. I'll think how I can slow down bit often, enjoy world and look after myself. How I can reach out to more out there and share positivity, motivation and hopefully inspiration too..
Peace and love 😍